Conflict in the age of COVID
I have been working with interpersonal conflict for 25 years as a couple therapist and for the last 15 as a mediator. I have become an expert in analysing conflict and facilitating its resolution. I would like to share with you a free online Emergency First Aid Guide to managing conflict.
Conflict is everywhere, interpersonal, internal, community, political – it’s inescapable, stress inducing and damaging to our health.
The stress hormone corticosteroid can suppress the effectiveness of the immune system so in this global pandemic we need to find a better way of managing conflict – fast.
I’ve just surfaced from COVID-social media immersion. There is so much information. Advice, opinions, warnings, fear, love, hope, joy, sorrow, grief, disappointment … and conflict.
To impede the spread of Coronavirus we have been asked to simply stay at home. Simple? Perhaps not. COVID-19 has altered the way we experience life, more rapidly than we have had time to make adjustments for. And so the inevitable – conflict arises.
With increased time together and decreased access to stress relief outlets, comes an increased need to negotiate – time, space, resources.
Employees and employers entering tricky territory renegotiating all sorts of situations, tenants and landlords, teachers, other frontline workers, unions, separated parents.
I want to offer you an emergency kit for conflict resolution. My ODR – online dispute resolution is up and running – if you are unable to manage your own conflict or would just like some assistance – please make contact.
(NB This isn’t applicable in the case of domestic violence – please seek assistance if you are experiencing domestic violence by calling 1800RESPECT)
This model of conflict management can be used with 2 or more people - stick closely to the steps. I’m going to use a co-parenting conflict and a neighbourhood dispute as working examples through the steps. Click here to download this resource as a PDF
1. Meeting Organisation
Offer everyone involved in the conflict a chance to sit down and talk
Set a time and place
Agree on a time limit – 2-3 hours is most peoples limit for productive participation
Bring a note book and pen
Appoint a scribe – or take turns
Agree to some ground rules: no interrupting, no blame, no shouting, no personal insults, no threats, no mobile phones
OK to leave if you feel too emotional to continue
2. Introductions
Take turns to say what you would each like out of the meeting
One speaks at a time, everyone else listens actively
Example 1
To work out what we are doing with the kids during COVID changes / how to get my ex to take social isolation seriously- the kids might get sick
Example 2
How to stop my neighbours dog barking now we are all working from home / how to get my neighbours to stop complaining about my dog
3. Identifying the Issues
Come up with a list of “concerns”
Example 1
I’m worried about the kids catching buses to school / I have to work and the kids school is closed / our kids are too young to be at home alone
Example 2
I am concerned I’ll lose clients because the neighbour dog barks all day and I am now working from home / I’m already stressed enough and now the neighbours are calling and texting all day and shouting at our dog. I’m worried they might hurt her.
4. Formulating the Meeting Agenda
Turn your concerns into questions
Example 1
How can we best look after out children during social isolation ?
Example 2
What do we each need to live next door to each other peacefully at the moment?
Congratulations - you now have the meeting agenda - take a short break.
5. Hearing Phase
Take turns to talk about what is important to you around each question
No solutions or responses at this stage, just listen to each other
Example 1
I think the children should stay at home but I have to go to work, maybe they could stay with my family. I don’t want the kids getting sick / I heard the children are safe at school and don’t think we should ask family when they are older. I might be able to work from home some of the time. I want the kids to not miss out.
Example 2
We need quiet all day long to participate in online meetings and client contact. My kids are here as well and that’s hard enough without the dog barking all day / my dog doesn’t usually bark- she is lonely and hears the kids playing in the pool, I am working away from home atm and she cant come with me. I need to know she is safe and not being yelled at. I also need to do my job and can’t answer calls and texts all day from an angry neighbour.
6. Creating Options Phase
This stage is fun. Everyone suggests ideas- write them down and call them options – include all options.
No debating just write them up.
Example 1
The kids can stay at school and wear masks / The kids can stay with family / The parent with job flex can investigate the work at home options / Kids go to work with parent / Kids stay with friends during the working day
Example 2
Soundproofing one room for an office to block sound of dog / Working on the other side of the house / Dog stays indoors when owner at work / Kids don’t play in pool when parent has a meeting / Kids play in neighbours yard with the dog / Dog plays in pool with kids / Citronella anti-barking collar
Congratulations - you are almost done now - important to take another short break at this stage.
7. Agreement Phase
This is the final stage – remember plans can be trialled The goal is not to be right but to find something you can all live with.
Look at each option - what are the pros/cons.limitations etc. for each. Ask questions and be curious around how each may work.
Emotions are not invited to this phase - if they do pop in- take another break and come back again.
Solutions and compromises often present themselves in this phase after all your hard work before.
Agreements can be:
Creative
Merge several ideas
Trialled and re-evaluated
Alternate different solutions
Made between people without costly legal fees
Notes
If emotions prevent the process running through - seek assistance from a neutral third party. As an expert mediator I have 15 years of analysing conflict - often entrenches and assisting people build the skills to hear, be heard and find new ways forward. I can mediate face to face, over the telephone as well as through online platforms such as Skype or zoom.
How to Listen Effectively
Be attentive - be aware of your Body Language Look at the speaker, open body language, no eye rolling
Change the goal to hearing rather than debating a right or wrong view
No interrupting - if you have a burning issue that pops up - write it down for when it’s your turn to speak
If you are unable to manage your own conflict or you would like some assistance, please get in touch.